PHOENIX, VOL 1, NO.3

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PHOENIX, VOL 1, NO.2

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PHOENIX, VOL.1, NO.1

Summer of 69, a magazine published and distributed in Cobourg by young people. In this issue, Louise Stover, Stephen Woolf, Wally Keeler, Shannie Liboiron, James Loken, Niel Marshall, james duncan jones, Peter Kolisnyk, Rhonda Gilpin, Beth Oulahen.

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PULP FRICTION: THE VOTE EXTRACTORS

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LOONEY SPOONERTOONS

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Cobourg Town Councillor, Bob Spooner, is coming, or he’s going, the circle jerk joker widens into public confusion. Is he NAY? Is he YEA? Mr Swing vote seems to have caused some textually transmitted unease amongst the citizenry of Cobourg.

Let’s do a bit of forensics here.

February 9, little Ms Muffet Mutton asks a question. Not an accusation, but a question. In a committee of the whole she asked “whether any review committee members selecting a firm to provide the town's engineering, architectural and landscaping services for the next five years, disclosed a conflict of interest or needed to.”

All that was required was a simple answer of YES or NO. If the answer had been NO, then it would have been Coun. Mutton’s turn to put up or shut up. Unfortunately, this remains a matter of speculative fiction.

So As The World Turns in the Days Of Our Lives, Deputy Mayor Gil Brocanier did not act on any assumptions, but took responsible action. He “followed up with review committee members which included himself, Coun. McCaughey, Public Works Director Stephen Peacock, Lakefront Utilities President Bruce Craig, and municipal infrastructure manager Ted MacDonald. All members declared they had no connection with AECOM that would influence their judgement in any way.”

So the answer to Coun. Mutton was provided, days later, but there it was. The ball came to her court to challenge the veracity of the answer. She didn’t. Why? Likely because she had no information to the contrary. Issue settled. Let’s move on.

But it wasn’t settled as far as the sorely aggrieved were concerned. At the Feb 23 council meeting Deputy Mayor Brocanier and Coun. McCaughey asked Coun. Mutton to retract her statements and apologize. She refused, noting the conflict of interest disclosure questions were ‘reasonable’, ‘fair’ and ‘deserve a response.’"

There was more to come. The Circle Jerk Jokers huddled, cuddled and befuddled, planning an ambush to be heard around the cyberworld. The Cabal to Commit Censureshit manifested itself March 9. It wasn’t about the Circle Jerk Jokers, oh heaven no no no, it was the high road of defending the weak and vulnerable from the vicious attack of little Ms Muffin Mutton with her manicured nails. Yes, she scratched the surface and found, lo and behold, venality.

Bucking Brocaneir standing tall on his hind legs, his heart full of ethical integrity, declared “I will not allow anyone to publicly discredit our capable staff." Oh no, no, no, municipal staff are the noble servants of the people of Cobourg. Nothing must be done to compromise them, put them into jeopardy, or hurt their widdle feewings. Gosh!

But every daisy chain of circle jerks has a weak link. This time, it was ole crooner Spooner singing out of tuner. When the motion was brought forward for the chimpanzees to throw their wads of censureshit at Ms Muffet Mutton, the animated Spoonertoon voted against the motion. NAY!

“I was there. I heard him NAY.”

“Me too. It was quite clear, NAY”

The town clerk read back the vote. Yep, it was NAY.

Did someone say that Spoonertoon doesn’t pay serious attention to the affairs of the people of Cobourg and is a man of focus on the issues at hand? Surely, he wouldn’t have been so derelict in not paying attention to the central pillar of democracy (The Vote) when the town clerk read back the vote. Spoonertoon confirmed his vote as NAY by his acceptance of the town clerk’s recall. And so it was engraved. Let it be written. Let it be so. Sicne the days of pharoah.

The following morning Spoonertoon did his sallooner walk-on at the Oven, telling all and subdry that he did the NAY thing. Read all about it on Ben Burd’s blog.

It seems that Spoonertoon realized he was outside the Circle Jerk Jokers, that he wasn’t up to the standards of manly ethics and integrity, and this was brought to his attention. So off he dodders to have Lorraine Brace change his vote from NAY to YEA. How did he do it? Is he bi-textual? A swinger vote?

Does Lorraine Brace change recorded votes on the mere say so of a lone Circle Jerk Joker, or did they all go down to convince Lorraine Brace to change the voting register. Does Lorraine Brace know her job well enough to stand up to these monkeys and inform them that certain procedures have to be followed to have the official register altered, struck-out, white-out, over-written. Does Lorrain Brace have the integrity to stand firmly by the rules and regulations pertaining to the altering of official government documents.

Did Spooner submit his request in writing to have his vote changed? Or was it just a phone call? If Lorraine Brace failed to follow in her proper duties by having Spoonertoon follow the regulations, then the people of Cobourg have every right to expect the highest ethical standards of transparency.

If the Circle Jerk Jokers demand that little Miss Muffet Mutton live up to every crossed t and dotted i of municipal ethics, then it is incumbent upon them to be exemplary themselves.

And where is the Cobourg newspaper in all this? Oh, I forgot, there is no Cobourg newspaper any more. Perhaps that is why they’re derelict.

COMEDIAN HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSION COMINGLES GOD/ALLAH

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The Comedian Human Rights Commission (CHRC) yesterday found Ms Liz Beanson guilty of discriminatory behaviour by crying out “Oh God! Oh God!” when she orgasms, thereby upsetting her Muslim neighbours and the demographic balance of the neighbourhood and causing a detrimental effect on housing prices therein.

The CHRC agreed with the complainant, Imam El-Mah Saiditall, a neighbour of Ms Beanson,who charged that the constant cries of “Oh God” had offended the Muslim families in the neighbourhood causing two devout families to move out. Imam Saiditall, a realtor in between daily prayer sessions, has been unable to resell the homes to his Muslim client-base because of the discriminatory behaviour of Ms Beanson.

When asked if he would sell the homes to buying Christians, Imam Saiditall replied, “I am at liberty not to say.”

The CHRC declared, “The respondent has been crying out the name of the Christian deity more often than calls to prayer from a nearby mosque. This vociferous and extravagant expression of orgasmic pleasure has driven two Muslim families to move from the neighbourhood and detrimentally effected the livelihood of the complainant.

“Furthermore, the respondent had been requested to accommodate to the sensitivities of the Muslim community but declined to seek a balance, asserting that her right to freedom of religion permitted her to cry out the lord’s name from the rooftops. This may have been permissible in earlier days when communities were homogenous and sparse, but today’s conditions call for harmonization.”

Ms Beanson argued that she and her same sex spouse, Ms Susan Moodie Scold, had lived in the community for over 20 years and never had a problem with neighbours until late last year when Imam Saiditall presented a petition signed by several Muslim neighbours complaining about the “discriminatory audio-invasive performance” which had the effect of “drowning out the name of Allah, peace be upon Him, so beloved by the 1.7 billion Muslims in the world.”

The CHRC requires Ms Beanson to attend a 30 day skin-thinning course and to accommodate to the religious sensitivities of her neighbours by crying out “Oh Allah!” as well as “Oh God!" in direct proportion to the demographics of the neighbourhood.

Mr Sayitall said this was a reasonable accommodation, “After all, it isn’t like we are requesting she cry out the entire mantra of ‘Allahu Akbar’ every time she comes. We are sensitive to the needs of her crusader religion. We are not taking anything away from her -- just requesting she add a new element to her orgasmic reperatoire.

“I have been living in the neighbourhood for five years and I was okay, and the other neighbours were ok with her weekend orgasms, but early last year, it became a daily occurrence. It was happening more often than our mosque’s daily calls to prayer. She was especially vociferous on Fridays.”

Tarek el-Fatahltail, a renown secular Muslim-monger, said the whole matter was ridiculous. “This is just setting up the scenario of Muslims having to cry out the name of an infidel god if they blow a load in a predominantly Christian neighbourhood. The CHRC has blown a unsafe wad in their intelligence.”

Ms Scold told the media that she was home when a small group of Muslim women approached their home dressed in black hijabs. “They were like a coven of medieval scarecrows from a Shakespearian tragedy. They demanded we restrain our Crusader calls of pleasure.”

“For God’s sake, they presented me with a broken dildo they claimed had been thrown onto their lawn. I had thrown that dildo into the garbage directly myself because it was faulty. It was the new Crucifuckion model that I used when reciting the songs of Solomon to my lover.”

Local Rabbi, Frankie D. Finkelsteinberger, told Poetency Press “The Jewish community would never expect goy gals to cry out Yahweh when they come. We believe in diversity, not imposed diversity. That is why we declined the CHRC’s request to provide a demographic figure of Jews living in the neighbourhood.”

The CHRC report said “There were no Buddhists living within the six block perimeter of the offending household, so no request was made to cry out a proportional Oh Buddha.”

Wally Keeler, author of the First Interim Report On the Causes & Manifestations of Divergent Think Procedure Concerning the First Ten Years of the History of the Peoples Republic of Poetry, said that secularists have been flocking to courses to mimic the hearty throat eroticism of animals in the wild. “The wild boar seems to be a favourite of our clientele, followed by wolves and lions. Petite women seem to have an affinity for felines.”