COMEDIAN HUMAN RIGHTS COMMISSION COMINGLES GOD/ALLAH

Click on image to enlarge

The Comedian Human Rights Commission (CHRC) yesterday found Ms Liz Beanson guilty of discriminatory behaviour by crying out “Oh God! Oh God!” when she orgasms, thereby upsetting her Muslim neighbours and the demographic balance of the neighbourhood and causing a detrimental effect on housing prices therein.

The CHRC agreed with the complainant, Imam El-Mah Saiditall, a neighbour of Ms Beanson,who charged that the constant cries of “Oh God” had offended the Muslim families in the neighbourhood causing two devout families to move out. Imam Saiditall, a realtor in between daily prayer sessions, has been unable to resell the homes to his Muslim client-base because of the discriminatory behaviour of Ms Beanson.

When asked if he would sell the homes to buying Christians, Imam Saiditall replied, “I am at liberty not to say.”

The CHRC declared, “The respondent has been crying out the name of the Christian deity more often than calls to prayer from a nearby mosque. This vociferous and extravagant expression of orgasmic pleasure has driven two Muslim families to move from the neighbourhood and detrimentally effected the livelihood of the complainant.

“Furthermore, the respondent had been requested to accommodate to the sensitivities of the Muslim community but declined to seek a balance, asserting that her right to freedom of religion permitted her to cry out the lord’s name from the rooftops. This may have been permissible in earlier days when communities were homogenous and sparse, but today’s conditions call for harmonization.”

Ms Beanson argued that she and her same sex spouse, Ms Susan Moodie Scold, had lived in the community for over 20 years and never had a problem with neighbours until late last year when Imam Saiditall presented a petition signed by several Muslim neighbours complaining about the “discriminatory audio-invasive performance” which had the effect of “drowning out the name of Allah, peace be upon Him, so beloved by the 1.7 billion Muslims in the world.”

The CHRC requires Ms Beanson to attend a 30 day skin-thinning course and to accommodate to the religious sensitivities of her neighbours by crying out “Oh Allah!” as well as “Oh God!" in direct proportion to the demographics of the neighbourhood.

Mr Sayitall said this was a reasonable accommodation, “After all, it isn’t like we are requesting she cry out the entire mantra of ‘Allahu Akbar’ every time she comes. We are sensitive to the needs of her crusader religion. We are not taking anything away from her -- just requesting she add a new element to her orgasmic reperatoire.

“I have been living in the neighbourhood for five years and I was okay, and the other neighbours were ok with her weekend orgasms, but early last year, it became a daily occurrence. It was happening more often than our mosque’s daily calls to prayer. She was especially vociferous on Fridays.”

Tarek el-Fatahltail, a renown secular Muslim-monger, said the whole matter was ridiculous. “This is just setting up the scenario of Muslims having to cry out the name of an infidel god if they blow a load in a predominantly Christian neighbourhood. The CHRC has blown a unsafe wad in their intelligence.”

Ms Scold told the media that she was home when a small group of Muslim women approached their home dressed in black hijabs. “They were like a coven of medieval scarecrows from a Shakespearian tragedy. They demanded we restrain our Crusader calls of pleasure.”

“For God’s sake, they presented me with a broken dildo they claimed had been thrown onto their lawn. I had thrown that dildo into the garbage directly myself because it was faulty. It was the new Crucifuckion model that I used when reciting the songs of Solomon to my lover.”

Local Rabbi, Frankie D. Finkelsteinberger, told Poetency Press “The Jewish community would never expect goy gals to cry out Yahweh when they come. We believe in diversity, not imposed diversity. That is why we declined the CHRC’s request to provide a demographic figure of Jews living in the neighbourhood.”

The CHRC report said “There were no Buddhists living within the six block perimeter of the offending household, so no request was made to cry out a proportional Oh Buddha.”

Wally Keeler, author of the First Interim Report On the Causes & Manifestations of Divergent Think Procedure Concerning the First Ten Years of the History of the Peoples Republic of Poetry, said that secularists have been flocking to courses to mimic the hearty throat eroticism of animals in the wild. “The wild boar seems to be a favourite of our clientele, followed by wolves and lions. Petite women seem to have an affinity for felines.”